Protein Fake Tan, the product for which nobody was asking, has arrived. A potent 9 carat gold blend, we’ve used the same BROtech™ that made Protein Shower Gel so ineffective, to deliver your gains 2015 style. *Clears throat to prepare the cinema trailer voice* This summer (and spring, autumn and winter), ditch foreign holidays and instead use Protein Fake Tan.
Designed in Saint Tropez, mass-produced in Essex
Excellent for cutting...your friend list in half
Contains gold, Ronseal® and gains
Go on, I’ll indulge you, what is Protein Fake Tan?
- An all in one protein and glorious gold paint
- Premium protein source from Brentwood
- Spray on 25% lean mass gains in a can
Generally in life if you want two things in one, they aren’t as great as they are separately - washer dryers, microwave ovens, your marriage. Today, that all changes. Gone are the days of having to smear yourself in a horrid Oompa-Loompa spray and then sweating for hours in the gym to add size.
No, now you get your horrid spray and physicals improvements in an all in one can! Simply call one of your friends who isn’t horrified at your naked body (so not your partner), tape up every surface in the vicinity (unless you want your walls to also turn gold and grow 25%), then spray every fibre of your fine-ass being.
Why thank you. Can you explain to me what Protein Fake Tan will do to my body?
By spraying your body with Protein Fake Tan, your body will achieve a golden hue even an Oscars ceremony would envy. Wait, there’s more though, as one session of spraying our Protein Fake Tan will increase overall lean mass by 25%. Yes that’s right, a dubious and unproven 25% (accurate to +/- 25%) due to us lacing every atom in the canister with Whey Gains™, a patented whey blend grown exclusively in deepest Brentwood.
So I’ll look like a statue and add muscle. Great. What else?
We’ve also infused Protein Fake Tan with Ronseal®, meaning you’ll be protected from knocks, scuffs and finding a long-term partner, as well as develop a strong Yorkshire accent.
Nowt wrong w’that. Last Q, do you have any independent quotes about the product?
Someone from TOWIE - “Do you do bulk orders?”
Spandau Ballet - “It’s True, it’s Gold.”
Advertising Standards Authority: “Oh not you lot again.”
About the Company
I thought it would be more personal to write a few words introducing us, rather than using the faceless "about us" section found on most other websites.
Some of you may have known my previous business MYPROTEIN®, which I founded in 2004 and then later sold in 2011. Why is this relevant? Well, primarily I know what customers expect in terms of service, quality and innovation. Furthermore, as sports nutrition is fundamental for anyone wanting to improve their athletic performance, we aim to surpass expectations on all fronts.
The sports nutrition industry has undergone an incredible decade of development and growth. Unfortunately, it is also full of companies who want to make a "quick buck" who cut corners on their products and services to improve profits. Read More